The Importance of Girlfriends

There are several different relationships that we experience in our life.  The first relationship, with our parents, gives us the foundation of what a relationship is.  I am fortunate enough to have two great parents who have given me unconditional love and have an incredible stepmom who makes that foundation even stronger.  Next, for many of us, is the sibling relationship.  These people help design our personalities.  We learn how to interact with others, get an honest reflection of ourselves and learn how to fiercely protect who and what we love through our siblings.  I can call my brothers a jackass, but if you even attempt to insult either of them, you’d better be prepared to experience my wrath!!!  Later in life, you have the relationship of a signficant other/spouse.  That is the relationship in which you can be yourself but are also inspired to be the best version of yourself.  You become part of a team and you are both the co-captains.  For some of us, we go on to have children.  Being a parent to my children is probably the most complex relationship that I have yet to experience.  These little people are genetically linked to me.  I love them so much that I could eat them up.  I yearn for them to like me, yet it is not my job to be their friend.  I am to be their compass.  Those little ones are constant reminders that we lead by example and they force us to look at ourselves and to make sure we are who we want our children to be.  One of the most vital relationships, though, is my relationship with my girlfriends. 

The relationships I have with my girlfriends are self-indulgent.  They are just for me.  I have met these women by coincidence or through a mutual friend.  I have fostered relationships and grown closer with them by choice.  I hold no obligation to continue being friends with a girlfriend:  I am not related to them, I have not sworn a solemn vow to them nor did I give birth to these women.  We share commonalities.  We bond in our strengths and our struggles.  We laugh at ourselves.  We depend on each other and heaven knows, we vent to each other.  My girlfriends help me to maintain what shreds of sanity still remain through their advice, their thoughts and ideas.   Above all of these, my girlfriends, simply stated, talk to me.

LEARNING HOW TO BE A GIRLFRIEND

I attended a small Catholic grade school which had about 18 kids in my entire grade for the bulk of our 8 years together.  Of the 18 children in my grade, there were usually around 12 girls each year.  We went through our adolescence together.  At any point in time, you could say that we paired off and had a best friend here or there, but generally, we all became bound by our experiences.  We grew together.  We knew each other’s families and became a sort of sisterhood.  We were, as I said, adolescents so there was DEFINITELY drama, but all in all, we each learned how to be a friend in these years.  I have, encountered a few of these ladies in our adulthood and it’s amazing how that bond still exists.  I chat on Facebook with them like no time has elapsed since we last were together.  I guess once you’ve seen a chick in a blackswatch plaid jumper with a yellow peter pan collar, a red tie and green knee high socks (that was our uniform), there’s little room for pretense!  I flash back to these ladies and our shared experiences pretty much any time I hear Cyndi Lauper or Madonna and I always smile at the memories.

High School can be rough.  My H.S. experience was no different than most others’ experience.  Again, we were a, relatively, small Catholic High School.  Anxieties ran rampant and high-haired spiral perms were the coiff du jour.  How I longed to be a “popular” girl.  I find it odd that, because of our insecurities, women will often make an enemy out of someone you do not even know.  I was definitely guilty of that in my freshman and sophomore years.  I often assumed that the pretty girls were snobs; that the rocker chicks were sluts and that the slackers were druggies.  Like most generalizations, my assessments were unfounded, unfair and untruthful; however, putting other girls in a nice neat compartment seemed to make my own existence as a “None of the Above” justified in my teen-aged mind.  By junior year, we all realized we were in this together.  We had found our own cliques, but realized that being friends with everybody made school not only tolerable, but enjoyable.  I still had my close group of friends, but we were not exclusive nor were we as judgemental as we were in the earlier years.  Our class was too small to create enemies.  It’s unfortunate that we wasted two years on useless and groundless prejudices.  Lesson learned. 

In college, adulthood arrives.  You feel so alone on this new adventure and the sudden freedom, that you cling to anyone who will talk to you…at least that’s what I did.  You go through the trenches with these ladies.  You are left alone to decide who are and are not the right type of friends to have.  I was blessed to have known, and even lived with, many great ladies during this period.  We celebrated our friendships with a weekly “girls night” which included living-room dancing (to everything from The Grateful Dead to the Grease Soundtrack) in our grunge flannel shirts, Boone’s wine and Stroh’s Draft Light drinking games and, for a few of the ladies, some herbal treatments.    We were figuring out who in the hell we really were, while sorting out what was the right path for our own lives.  Whether they know it now or not, these girls helped me start to become my true self.  They saw me in all lights, good and bad, and loved and accepted me, anyway.  I hope they felt the same support and acceptance from me.

MY BESTIE

I gotta tell ya, I have only seen my best girlfriend, in person, 1 time in the past year.  We have probably only spoken over the a handful of times in the last year and we’ve exchanged FB messages here and there.  You may be asking yourself, “what kind of BFF is this?”  If you are lucky enough to share a relationship like the one I have with my Vinnay, then you already understand.  I don’t need to know the daily events of her life nor does she need to know mine.  We don’t have to talk everyday to strengthen our relationship.  We built a friendship that can withstand pretty much anything when we were young.  I never had a sister nor a best friend before I met Nay.  Since we’ve met at age 14, we have grown closer and eventually we each gained a sister and a best friend.  We’ve told each other everything; we have fought like hell and despised each other.  We are complete opposites, yet we are perfect for each other.  I can pick up the phone right now and it is as though no time has elapsed.  She could call me tomorrow and say that she needs me for something and I will be there for her.  We both recognize that our lives have taken us in different directions and those directions do not afford us the ability to get together or talk very often.  We respect each other’s priorities and support the other in her endeavours.  That is why Vinnay remains, to this day, my best friend.

GIRLFRIENDS AND THE HUNT FOR A MAN

Women can be a powerful force in a pack.  We do not need to be in competition with each other. Unfortunately, as a young adult, I didn’t always realize that.  Since the main priorities of my 20’s were to land a man, I often saw women as competition.  I gotta say, though, I was not very bright.  For some reason or another, I had EXTREMELY attractive girlfriends during these years.  We’d walk into a club and all eyes were on my friends…not me.  Amazingly, because those girls did not have the same man-mission that I did, they turned away the potential suitors in exchange for just shooting the shit with me at the bar.  We talked.  We laughed and yes, we drank.  I came to understand that women do not have to be rivals.  We should find the good in each other.  And judging a book with a pretty cover is just as bad as judging one with a ratty cover.

A GAGGLE OF GIRLFRIENDS

I rarely put myself first.  Maybe it’s because I’m Catholic and was brought up thinking that doing so was selfish and sinful.  Maybe it’s because I am a woman and my maternal instints to care for others takes over.  Maybe it’s a strong sense of obligation for everything that needs to get done in a day.  Maybe it’s a weak constitution and a low self-esteem.  Who knows, but it is a fact.  Most of my time is spent working for someone else to earn money for the family, taking care of household chores and running here or there to obtian the supplies the family needs or wants.  In the times I am not doing those two things, I am often feeling guilty about not seeing my parents or my brothers with the frequency I would like or not giving my husband the attention he used to receive BNT (before Nate and Teagan), but, once in awhile, I do something just for me.  Once in awhile, I get to hang with the Ladies of the Manor.

So just who are these Ladies of the Manor?  Eight years ago, Rich and I had a house built in Quakertown.  The planned community is known as Regency Manor.  There are 82 homes in our development and in the time since we moved in, we have become very good friends with about 40 of the families.  We are varied in age (couples ranging from early 30’s to early 50’s) and we have children ranging from in-utero to college and beyond.  The majority of the kids are school-aged and we parents found it necessary to band together as to not let the wee ones take over because the parents are outnumbered!!!  Our families are being raised together, side by side.  Parents and children are formulating friendships at the annual block party, the Neighborhood Olympics, the birthday parties and just hanging out every day in the summer months.  The Manor Moms, well, we’re doing the planning, the catering, the organizing, and once in awhile, we get to do some of the playing and the drinking.  You see, the Ladies of the Manor hold everything together. 

Occasionally, I steal away for a demonstration or some little get-together with the ladies of The Manor.  The boys have their poker nights wayyyy more than we ladies have our nights, but I cherish the minutes I get out to just be one of the girls.  Sometimes, we bitch about the trivial things our husbands or kids did/didn’t do, or we complain about work.  We share our dreams and boast with pride about our own or another’s latest accomplishment.  Occasionally, we talk about more serious troubles and woes.  Sometimes we just make fun of each other (in a loving way) and laugh our asses off.  We have been raised in different areas and only came to know each other after we were in a committed relationship with our spouses and moved up to The Manor, but we know each other so well.  It’s a bond like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. 

Sure, there is some cattiness and yes there are even times when drama of one sort or another rears its ugly head.  We are human and to be honest…we are women.  We are not immune to the negativity that sometimes permeates relationships.   One of the biggest difficulties of being part of such a large group of female friends is making sure everyone feels included all the time.  Face it, this is not even a remote possibility.  We share different interests.  Many of the Manor Ladies enjoy running/biking/anything fitness related and I simply tune out during these conversations.  I have no desire nor any interest in hearing about the latest lightweight running shoe or upcoming “half.”  Yes, I feel  a little excluded when they go off on their tangents, but I also recognize that we don’t have to like EVERYTHING about each other to be friends.  We don’t have to all have the same exact bond with each other.  It would be pretty boring if we were all Stepford Wives.  Each friendship is unique unto itself.  I have more in common with some ladies than I do others.  I like some of the ladies for their goofy senses of humor and others I like for their sweet nature.  There’s a couple out there who are tough bitches and I like that about them!  There will be hurt feelings through the peaks and valleys of my friendships with these ladies.  Sadly, I have been and will likely again be the cause of said hurt feelings, but I sincerely hope that any misstep I might make is addressed, discussed, forgiven and forgotten.  I will extend that same courtesy to each of my ladies as well.  I would hope that these ladies know that whatever smart-ass or simply stupid and thoughtless remark I make is usually made with the intent to get a laugh or to bring levity to a situation, not make someone hurt or upset.  Again, we are human.  I am not perfect (GASP!!!) and neither is anyone else (DOUBLE GASP!!!).

What Have I Learned

One of those wonderful ladies from college once told me, “You need to be what what you want someone else to give you.”  At that point in time, she said that in response to a conversation we were having about the type of husband I wanted to have.  I think the same holds true for every relationship in life.  Lead by example.  Attract the type of person you seek by possessing the attributes you most want in others.  No one, not even your girlfriends can make you something that you are not already inside yourself.  We are all different.  You want a shoulder to cry on…the be one for your friends.  You want someone to go places with you…then make sure you go with them.  Embrace the differences and appreciate the individuality of all of your girlfriends, but just don’t expect them to fill a void you have in yourself.  Screw Jerry Maguire...no one else completes you.  You complete yourself.

Women have, traditionally, been referred to as the weaker sex.  True, I cannot physically do the things my husband can do…or maybe I’m just smart and have decided that I can let him feel manly and masculine by letting him mow the lawn or do all of the heavy lifting…; however, I am the one who shoulders the emotional burdens of our family.  I am the one who keeps this house running, cleaned and makes sure everyone is fed, given attention and alive at the end of the day.  So, in that light, I don’t think that women are so weak afterall. 

Women are powerful.  We can change the mood of our entire family depending on the one we are in.  Women also have that effect on each other.  We think too much.  We analyze every angle.  That’s just who we are.  But a good girlfriend will assume that her friend is just having a bad day when she doesn’t smile or say hello.  A good girlfriend will dismiss that pang of “Oh my God…is she mad at me?  Did I do something wrong?” if a phone call is not quickly returned because a good girlfriend understands that women have a gazillion other priorities.  Time tends to be the woman’s biggest enemy.  Too often, we work our asses off to be everything to everyone else that we have very little time left to nurture that which feeds our own souls.  We cherish our friends, but sometimes, the other priorities we have or the worries on our mind, trump the ability to foster those friendships.  A good girlfriend may not like this, but she always understands.

It’s not that we want to be rude to our friends.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.  If we are comfortable enough with each other, we can let down the “acquaintence” guard.  Think about it.  You will wave or flash a friendly smile to a stranger in the grocery store, but two seconds later, you’ll yell at your kid because they are asking for the stupid Goldfish container that, for the love of all that is holy, we DO NOT NEED!  You love your kid more than the stranger, but you can also be yourself with your kid and know that (s)he will love you regardless.  It’s the same thing with girlfriends.  We take for granted that they will brush off our foul mood and forgive it without a word.  This is what I am saying about a woman’s power.  With a sideways glance and a flat “hello” we can set someone else into a swirl of self-doubt and worry about the strength of a relationship.  And yet, we do not always realize our own strengths.  We fail to realize that we could affect someone else in such a way.  We don't value ourselves enough.

We need to be more forgiving of each other and of ourselves.  We need to share the downsides as much as the upsides of life.  Women tend to be tough on themselves.  So sometimes, it is nice to know that we are not alone in the fact that our house is not cleaned because, “damn it, I was too tired to straighten up before I crawled up to bed.”  We need to know that we all doubt if we are doing right by our kids or if we are just giving them material for future psycho-therapy sessions.  We need to know that other women are neglecting their husbands too.  We need to stop pressuring ourselves to try to do it all, perfectly. Sure, we’ll still try, but maybe we could forgive ourselves if we don’t get it all done or if it all gets done, just not in the most perfect way.  We need to celebrate the good in each other and encourage each other to do her best, not be envious of what someone has that we do not.  We need to take time for ourselves.  We need to fan the flames of our friendships with our girlfriends.  You know why?  Because in doing so, we satisfy ourselves.  We feed the longing for approval and acceptance that our kids and husbands do not even realize exists within each of us.  By giving ourselves some appreciation through the love of our girlfriends, we become happier.  We might not be as quick to snap at the kids when they ask you the 1,629^th question of the day.  We might be “in the mood” for our husbands a bit more because we are not looking to him to recognize all that we do in a day.  Again, go back to what I said earlier.  No one can make us feel fulfilled or make us who we want to be.  That comes from within.  We have to do the work.  Doing what makes us happy will grant us fulfillment.  Our husbands could stand on their heads to try to make us so, but if we don’t feel it ourselves, then they cannot create it for us. 

So feed your soul with some time with your girlfriends.  Laugh.  Cry.  Be selfish.  The dishes will wait and so will the proposal for work.  The kids will not die if they don’t get a proper bath tonight.  Call a girlfriend.  Better yet, go visit with a girlfriend.  Let her know you value her.  Tell her she is a magnificent person.  Let her know that you see her flaws, but that the good you see in her is far more important and overwhelming than any of the bad.  Be a little gossipy…it’s okay as long as you are not malicious about it.  And when she tells you, be it with words or her actions, that you are magnificent too…do me a favor, just take it in and say thank you.  Don’t deny it or try to be self-depricating.  Accept that you are worthy because you have a bunch of good ladies around you who think you are too!!!

Thank you to all of my girlfriends.  You make my life better and you keep me out of the nuthouse!  I love you for who you are and thank you for loving me as I am.

What A difference

If you ask my husband if today's date has any special significance, he will blankly stare at you and say, "No."  Nothing more.  No probing questions wondering why you would ask such a question.  I, on the other hand, would be able to tell you what I was wearing, what Rich was wearing, and a few of the thoughts that ran through my mind on April 26th fifteen years ago.  You see, that was the pivotal night that would change the course of my life forever.

So somethings do not change at all.  Rich is still the silent type and I am still the animated one.  At 23, I was needy, desperate to get married, lacked self-confidence and self-respect.  Like every night out with friends, back then, I was putting on makeup and doing my hair to go out on the prowl.  I was waiting for my life to start instead of creating my own path.  Rich was your typical 24 year old male.  He was out with some coworkers and letting the good time come to him.  He wasn't looking for a relationship, that's extremely clear and he, unlike me, wasn't worried if that night would be a good time.  He knew it would be a good time because he chose to make it so. 

For the first year or so, I was the aggressor...okay, the stalker.  Back then, pagers were still around and boy did I abuse that technology.  Paging him, calling him at all hours just for a smidge of attention.  Strategizing as to where my friends and I would go just to run into him.  Ahhh, the good ol' days.  Rich never got angry or upset at my ridiculous ways.  Maybe he found it flattering, who knows.  But his lack of ire was all the incentive I needed to continue my pursuit.

Eventually, I did get sick of Rich's lack of emotional investment in me and I accepted the relationship for what it was.  I used the relationship to my advantage.  I took only what I needed from him and stopped looking for more.  Good LORD, what a difference.  Suddenly, he was calling ME.  I was saying NO to requests to see each other if I had other plans or simply didn't feel like it.  And it was not a game or a ploy to garner more attention.  I had finally realized that my opinion mattered in my life.  I had choices and options.  I was enough.  Amazing how maturity and self-worth kicked in around 28 years old.  Equally amazing is how my maturity and self-confidence impacted the way others treated me. 

Rich and I grew much closer during this time.  I began to cautiously fall for him.  Prior to this time, Rich was just cast in a role.  I wasn't longing for Rich to be in my life.  I wanted a husband and he was convenient.  Now, I was getting to know this quiet man.  Those were great days.  We had the convenience of being very comfortable with each other as we were falling in love with each other.  We had the freedom to wrap our lives around each other and simply be together.  We bought a dog, built a house and got engaged.  A little bit out of traditional order, but it worked for us.

Even after we were engaged, I think I was unknowingly testing Rich's loyalty.  Of course, I only realize this now looking back.  I didn't realize I was testing him at the time.  Let's face it, I was Ms. Easy-Going-Funny-Girl when I was stalking him and then everyone is awesome when they are falling in love.  I would lash out to the extreme to see if that would drive Rich away.  He never left.  Granted, he didn't cave in to my dramatics either, but he always stayed. 

Now, here we are, fifteen years later.  We're married, in the house we built with our dog and now two kids of our own, a boy and a girl.  They call that a rich man's family, right?  Well, we aren't financially rich, but we have a rich life in every other way.  Those two incredible kids have taken us to a whole new level in our relationship.  We are interchangabley both the coach and the general manager on Team Herman.  We've faced some very challenging times together and thankfully, not only have survived, but have come out even stronger. 

Our marriage is far from perfect and I don't think we would ever pretend that it is.  I am still bitchy and moody and he is still non-communicative and inattentive.  We haven't grown to love these traits about each other.  We have, however, decided that those traits do not outweigh the good we see in each other.  Rich's unending patience and support is far more vital than him looking up from his phone to listen to what I'm telling him.  My chronic barking about having to do all of the cleaning, shopping and cooking is lessened by my compassion and generosity. 

I am a very honest person.  I call it like I see it.  I can honestly say that April 26, 1997 was the best day of my life.  It set events into motion that would grant me the amazing life I have today.  It's an amazing life not because it's all sunshine and roses, but I am blessed and I am grateful for every moment I get to spend with Rich.  Here's to the rest of our lives.  More than anyone, I love ya babe!